So here’s mine. At the time, I didn’t find it funny, but as an adult, I can understand how this is hilarious.
So I’m a pretty smart guy. I was a smart kid who had(s/d) a pretty good memory. I remember things from when I was about 2 1/2 to now. Some are blurry, but there’s this one that sticks out to me because of the monster I saw.
Disclaimer: Most of what is typed is dramatization for entertainment purposes, but the actual situation is real
My parents and grandparents were big on camping. I spent a lot of time in the woods from when I was a baby. And we weren’t a family that did “glamping.” We slept in tents, we’d go fishing for food, bathe in a lake or a creek, so on and so forth… and we would do this for a week in the summer every year.
We’d have roasted fish filets over an open fire, my grandfather would catch the fish in the morning (he was the best fisherman I’ve ever seen personally) and then would take the kids to go pick blackberries so my grandma could make a cobbler for desert for lunch and dinner.
So we did spend a lot of time out in the woods. So when I was about 3 was when memories started. My grandma likes to remind me about the time I would “preach” at chickens, and she loves the story. She embellishes a different way every time to try and get me embarrassed and I have to fake embarrassment because I remember talking to the chickens and I remember in brain what I was trying to tell them. It was that they needed to share. One hen kept getting pushed aside and wasn’t able to feed. She was the skinniest and was standing in the back of the group. So I started lecturing the other hens that the last hen couldn’t eat. I was a fat kid and I guess even then, food was good for everyone (my hobby is cooking now).
So i digress… I’ve bragged enough about my fantastic memory (humble brag).
So the family was camping one week, and I decide, while no one’s looking, to go and check the woods out on my own (about 3 yrs old). I’m having a great time exploring the new world around me. I was a genuine forest dweller.
Until I heard a rustle below my feet. A strange stunning shock filled my body. There was a creature ready to crawl up my leg to finished my eldered 3 years of life on this planet. I thought I had fought my last battle and that a memorial would be raised for me. I withdrew the rest of my heavy amount of courage and looked down only to see the monster for what it was. A grotesque beast the craved nothing but blood.
I quickly made the choice to preserve my life and make a tactical retreat. I ran as fast as I could to receive strength from my superiors in support of combating this creature from hell.
Just kidding. I wondered off in the woods and encountered an armadillo. My 3 year old brain saw this crazy creature and immediately knew it was a monster.
To this day, I’m 40 years old and I hear this story every family gathering. Never fails. The time I was 3 and saw a “monster.”
Was in a public restroom years ago, I was the only person in it at that moment, taking care of business.
About a minute after I had sat down in the stall, I hear the main door to the bathroom smash open and a male voice desperately saying, “Shit! oh fuck me! Ohmahgaw! Holyshitomagaw! Fuck me!!!”
He slams open the door a few stalls down from mine, all the while never stopping his stream of profanity. I hear his pants ripped off and his belt hitting the floor, and what follows is a massive explosion of farts, liquid-sounding poop, and the entire time, he never stops loudly blaspheming lol. “Ppfffftt!!!OhhhhfuckkkPPRRrrppSPLASH!!!Ohhhmahgaww!PPrrrppprrtttShiiittFuggggohhh!PrrrtprraaaPPSplashhhh!!!Awshhiii!!”
I had to hold in my laughter while trying to wipe, pull my pants up, flush, and haul ass out of there before screaming with laughter the moment I got out of the bathroom lol.
Poor guy, I don’t know what he ate, but it came back with a brutal vengeance.
Had a shared laughing fit that lasted for several hours.
I was at the movies with my friend, it was a horror movie, both of us enjoyed the genre and the trailers looked decent. There were several very cliched scenes in it, silly jumpscares, and unintentionally funny scenes that were made way funnier by the fact that my friend would not stop making jokes and references. It got to a point where people in the theater were giving us weird looks because we
wouldn’tcouldn’t stop giggling and laughing at both the movie and the jokes we were making up about it. After we got home we kept repeating our jokes and references that we made up about the movie while playing Mario Kart and we just kept crashing into each other all the time and not actually racing because both of us were laughing too hard 😂 I’m pretty sure it took like two days for my sides to feel normal again.Be me, about four years old. Decide i need to drive a car for fun.Wake little brother at four in the morning and we sneak out with moms car keys. This is in the city mind you, with cars parked tightly behind each other on the curb. Get in, start the engine and lights. Can’t get the fucking hand brake lose. Luckily mom smells bullshit and comes looking for us before I figure it out. Get roasted for that to this day, mom is nearly 70 now and still tells this story to this day.
I was cycling home one evening down a remote unlit path, when I saw this kid slumped up against a tree in a ditch. Concerned, I doubled back and called out to him “hey, are you okay?”
He didn’t look my way, just quietly responded with some hesitation “…yes.” Unsettled by the hesitation, I asked him again another way “is all well? Do you need help?”
Again, he barely looks my way and in a very quiet voice responds “…no.” I didn’t know what to do at this point, as a non-native speaker I’d exhausted my conversation options.
I try to cycle on but do so slowly, looking back at an increasingly skeletal looking figure resting against that tree in that small ditch.
In the distance I see another cyclist coming way, and I hail him to a stop with my flashlight. The guy thankfully speaks English, and I tell him about the kid and the tree, and to check up on him.
I ride on a bit more but I look back to see that the other cyclist did stop and appears to be having an equally difficult monotone conversation with the kid too. Resigned to the fact that I did all I could, I cycle on.
A little bit further down the path I see two kids walking towards me. “Hey!” I cry, “there’s another kid down by that tree over there! Do you know him?”
“Yeah, he’s our friend” comes the easy reply, and then the kicker, “we’re playing hide and seek.”
My mom was so happy she got approved for a credit card.
So from age 8 to 14, every year, I asked santa for a credit card.
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