A few years back my sister passed away, I’m now the only child my parents have left. They live a few hours away and have for as long as I have been with my partner (7 years).
My parents are planning on moving to the place we now live to be closer to me. This has my partner worried that they will be over often or I will be over at their house more often. Her parents are very far away so can only visit once a year.
My parents are not the kind of people to show up uninvited to anyone’s house. They likely will come over once a month for dinner and I will probably go over by myself once a week.
We are both pretty private people so not having anyone over is just how we are and this potential change of more visits has her concerned that our privacy will be gone.
I am also fine with them not coming over often, I like it being just me and her but I do want my parents close when they have medical emergencies.
How do I approach this as currently she is a bit annoyed but taking a more “see how this pans out” attitude?
I don’t exactly want to jump the gun and talk to my parents ahead of time to make sure they don’t come over often because I don’t think they will and it might sour their relationship to her if they think she doesn’t want them over ever, even if I also don’t want them over often.
Before your parents go to great expense to move, have a sit down and talk with them about this. Make sure everyone involved knows what to expect beforehand.
If they move and things aren’t what they expect, it will sour everyone’s relationship much more
This was something I recommend fully, OP I had to do the same with my mother moving out. I forced her to think about hard questions like
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What if we decide to move away (my partner and I)? Will you stay in your new home? Would you even be able to afford to move again? What if we left and you didn’t even like it there, after all we moved because we liked it.
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What if you don’t like it? Is being near me enough to justify living somewhere you don’t like?
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You will not be close to your friends and family anymore, which means missing some time critical things. (Think elderly family members, if we got the word it’s now a 5 hour flight plus a lot of driving). Are you sure you’re okay with that?
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(Important for OP) You will not have a key to our place, and we will not have an open door policy. We do have our own lives and our own friends, and it won’t be like when I was growing up where you could see me whenever you wanted. You’ll still have to call and schedule time with us. Does that change how you view this?
Ultimately she decided she was okay with those, but OP come up with a list of these, and have the hard conversation.
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Look, I’m not a family-oriented person, but the following sentences strike me as strange:
My parents are not the kind of people to show up uninvited to anyone’s house. They likely will come over once a month for dinner and I will probably go over by myself once a week […] this potential change of more visits has her concerned that our privacy will be gone.
Why would your privacy suddenly vanish when they only visit once or twice a month? Lol. Agree with the comments who want more context; does she have issues with your family, etc.? Maybe you have two different views of your family that’s clashing. Just thought the abovementioned quote sounded weird.
From personal experience I see this as a red flag. If you are close with your family your partner should want to have a relationship with them too. Having them closer should be seen as a good thing.
Exactly this. There’s still some level of understandability to not wanting more frequent visitors, but given that expectations have been set appropriately, any further objection is just selfish.
The part where she is afraid that her partner will spend too much time with their parents is a big red flag by itself though. That seems inappropriately possessive.
At this point, OP’s partner has established that they don’t want frequent house visitors, and they don’t want their partner spending a disproportionate amount of time away from the home. That is workable, but any further disagreement really needs to happen later, if and only if one of these boundaries is being crossed to a demonstrable deficit to the relationship.
And the boundary for “spends too much time with parents” has to be something nuanced. Staying a week at your parents’ to avoid a fight with your partner at home is a problem. Staying a week at your parents’ while your mom recovers from surgery is basic familial responsibility.
This might sound crazy, but have you tried talking to your partner and parents? Just in case you know, you have some similar opinions or something. Not that I would know, I never talk to people.
I have talked with my parents and they have said they aren’t going to come over unannounced.
I am a private person likely because they are private people and the thought of showing up at someone house without being invited is very much something that never happened growing up. I only kinda accept my best friend doing it and he would still call an hour ahead of time to let me know he was in the area. Now he is a 6 hour drive away so he would probably give me more notice now.
I think she is worried because my mom and dad are grieving but I don’t think they are going to change their social courtesies because of it. They are moving closer because if something happens to my dad they don’t want me driving hours to get to see him like in the past.
Stop thinking and assuming and talk that shit out with her to understand why it really worries her. If you’re not honest with each other then that shit isn’t gonna work man
You also need to remember that just because they promised not to show up unannounced, they won’t visit too often to your liking. It’s gonna be even harder to have to turn them down when the visits become more frequent than you and your partner are comfortable with. I feel you though, my wife and I are the same in that we don’t really like visitors and prefer to have our house to ourselves only.
Do people not like talking or spending time with family? Are you and spouse that isolated that you spending more time visiting your parents worries your partner? Unless parents are toxic, it would be nice to have family around. And as your parents age it is nice to ne able to be helpful to them amd check if they are OK
Yeah, I don’t understand either. Why isn’t he happy to be able to see his family more often? It is great news for when his parents age and when he will have kids
They taught OP how to use a spoon and wipe his bum, and he’s making it sound like it would be a chore to have a cup of tea with them.
I don’t get it either.
I mean, it’s all about setting good boundaries clearly.
That goes for partner, parents, and you. Each of you (and your parents separately for that matter) can freely place limits on how often visitors are welcome.
And, as long as it isn’t done in the wrong way, a couple can freely negotiate how often and how long the partnership can handle one partner visiting other family. Kinda weird for it to be an issue out of the blue like this post makes it seem, but that’s only partially relevant.
By wrong way, I mean ultimatums and heavy handed coercion.
But, and this is where that partially relevant comes in, why is it such a significant concern that you’ll go to their house too often/too long? That’s a pretty dang specific worry, and I suspect that the answer to that question would lead to better suggestions on how to handle the boundaries involved. It really seems like that’s a concern based in something important, whether or not it’s realistic. Addressing that concern would likely be as or more important than any actual decision regarding visit boundaries.
But that’s whatever, the goal as it stands is to work out what your partner and you each see as reasonable visitation boundaries, then (if they don’t match) negotiating those boundaries until they’re mutually acceptable.
I don’t have anything to add to help you, the other commenters already handled it.
However what I wanted to say, I’m each time baffled anew how people can’t just talk about their issues with each other. I’m glad I filtered out everyone not able to do that long ago.
I understand she wants freedom in a house she lives in.
But if you go to visit your parents it is not of her concern. She can not get both.
She might be worried about some fantasy she has, but it might not be too bad in the end.
I am in this situation. My parther is close (physically and emotionally) to her family and I wouldn’t want them visiting. But I am happy for her (without me) to go.
Problem arises when she wants me to go too and that’s where fight starts. Either eight away or after visit, wether I go or not.
No advice, just my experience.
Serious question, why don’t you like to visit them or have them visit?
I was worried about this with my “parents in law” and then it turned out to be pretty okay, with quite a bit of positive side-effects.
Lots of free, homemade food with a quick phone call.
Family is nice to have close. Yes, sometimes they are trash, but if they are good people, you will realise why people in more “family-based” countries are so much happier.
I wonder what’s missing from this story. Does your partner have actual issues with your parents? Or does she have with her own, and she’s projecting that?
Having some people around is a good thing I think. As long as they respect your boundaries.
Move further.
(Ï didn’t read the post)
I’ve got overbearing parents who believe they are owed attention and act belligerent when their expectations for it aren’t met. Is this the situation here?
The most important thing is to talk to your partner and establish boundaries and expectations for your parents. Boundaries could be something like “We are only free on thursdays. Please call Tuesday if you’d like to have dinner.” Or you can losen boundaries like “we’re both off of work this week. Come over whenever you want”
When I think expectations, I think about my weekly call with my sister and parents once a week. I can expect that will happen. Maybe you could set an expectation like we’ll have a meal at least once every two weeks.
Talk with your partner and tell them you hear their concerns and they are valid. However, they need to understand that you have a need to be closer to your family or your family have a need to be closer to you. But that you will work with everyone to establish boundaries and you will make sure that they are respected so that everyone is happy.
Have this talk with your family as well and let them know that while you are happy to be closer, that you still need to have boundaries and that you hope they understand they need to respect them. When it happens it’s nothing personal that you just need your space.
If you communicate your needs like this I think it’ll work out for everyone
there is something toxic going on. hard to say what.
