deleted by creator

kicking heroin

Oh boy. Just one?

I guess I’d go with “signing up to a random online forum back in 2012”.

I was a very shy and introverted kid back then, without friends or social life to speak of. I would spend all my time playing videogames and reading books.

That online forum gave me a chance to speak to other people while staying “safe” in my shell. Without realising it, I slowly gained confidence and social skills that helped me make friends both online and irl, some of whom I still speak with to to this day. Thanks to one of the people I knew on that forum, I now have a job that I like.

I wouldn’t recommend online forums nowadays to fight depression/lack of social skills, as the internet has become a cesspool. Online chats are breeding grounds for political extremists. But in my case it definitely helped.

A close second would be having a girl in college confessing to me. I had never really thought about my sexuality back then: it just wasn’t on my mind, like, ever (which should’ve been a red flag, but whatever). She was really nice and wasn’t pushy at all, but I knew that I couldn’t leave her hanging forever, and I had to give her an honest answer in a relatively short time.

Well, long story short, I realized I wasn’t straight. At first I thought I was bi, then gay, but a few years later I understood that I am ace (again, should’ve been obvious by the fact that I literally never thought about sex for the entirety of my teenage years, but I’m dumb).

But seriously, there are so many important moments in one’s life, it’s difficult to choose only one or two. Watching nature documentaries with my brother as a kid turned me into a huge animal lover, to the point that I’m literally unable to kill a fly because it makes me sick. Thanks bro, those are some of my most treasured memories!

a doma enabled deportation of my life partner 12 years ago.

it was a life altering event that turned me from a liberal into a leftist.

Start of the war between Russia and Ukraine.

Now I have to worry every day that people I know (who have not managed to escape Ukraine) will either get killed by a Russian rocket or will get kidnapped from the streets by Ukrainian “recruitment officers”.

My last (and final) relationship.

I was deeply in love, but the other person broke up with me for valid reasons, and then pretended to take me back so they could mentally fuck with me, and it worked.

I’m now a depressive and a semi-hermit. Luckily for me I always liked being alone, or I’d be miserable, but the experience completely changed my personality and I don’t get close to people anymore.

Birth of my first child. It wasn’t just life-changing because “now I’m a father” and such but he had heart disease and the first few months were really rough. It doubly reinforced that my time of being a big kid is over and I have to be an actual adult because lives can easily be ruined or lost by passing the buck and letting other people make my decisions for me.

My parents’ divorce. I was 20 when it started, but still living at home. I was dragged through the middle of the very messy and drawn-out divorce proceedings, and unfortunately, my dad did not survive to hear the final judgement. The silver lining I guess was these two events gave me a solid kick in the pants to start acting like an adult. I went to counseling, then college, then an actual professional career.

While I am now in the best position in my life that I’ve ever been in, the catalyst to me getting here was terrible. 0/10, would strongly advise alternate means.

Having kids.

I was 8 years old when my uncle raped me. Forced me to sit down, told me not to tell anyone, because they wouldn’t believe me, and why would I want to put the family through that? He is my fathers identical twin, he said I would ruin my fathers relationship with him if I said anything.

I believed him. Didn’t think anyone would believe me, and I didn’t want to tattle, so I decided the best way to do it would be to act as sad as I felt, wait for my parents or teachers to ask what was wrong, and then I would tell.

I acted out for weeks, nobody noticed, nobody asked.

So, I decided that maybe they already knew, maybe they already beat him up, maybe I should just forget it ever happened and move on, try to enjoy my childhood. I forgot. I told myself to, remember telling myself to, even.

Decades later, $200k in student loan debt, struggling with addiction, suicidal thoughts, very uncomfortable and obtrusive sexual thoughts, I almost killed myself so. many. times.

Now I’m sober, in therapy, good job, stable-ish home environment living by myself, the memory came back.

Decided that I would confront him, decided that I would tell my parents first to get their support. They didn’t believe me. I drove across the country seeking to confront the bastard in person, my parents got wind of it and warned him to stay away, protecting him.

It’s been too long to seek actual charges in a criminal court, I was in the bottom of a bottle for almost a decade after the nightmares started.

There’s no hope for closure. No hope for an apology, an admittance, compensation, nothing. I get nothing. He ruined my life, and I get nothing.

I wake up thinking about killing myself most days.

Cancer. The trauma and pain I went through changed me and how I see the world. For a long time afterwards, I was stuck in a deep depression. I’ve been working through it all, but I feel like I lost 6 years of my life.

I realize now how fleeting our lives are and stopped thinking about things I wanted to do or pursue, and started executing on them. I got back into longboarding, learned 3D printing, metal working, etc. This life is all we get and nothing is guaranteed. I don’t want to be on my deathbed again thinking about all the things I wish I did.

The last time a question like this was asked, I said it was when I enlisted in the US Army on Sept 5th, 2001 instead of Sept 12th, 2001. But in reality I probably would’ve enlisted either way (I was drinking the kool-aid back then) and when I enlisted it was on something called the Delayed Entry Program; I still had to finish my senior year of high school and didn’t leave for Basic Training until June 2002.

The actual life-changing moment that came out of that was taking advantage of the Hometown Recruiting Assistance Program right after I completed AIT. It’s essentially a 2 week temporary duty to go back home wearing your fancy new uniform to convince all your old high school buddies to sign up and be cool like you. I took it, did a couple recruitment events, signed up no one, and just enjoyed some free vacation time. This was March 2003, just a couple days before we invaded Iraq.

When I graduated AIT (your actual job training after basic training) I got orders to report to Ft Hood. Another guy, Watt, got the same orders. We had gone through Basic and AIT together, had the exact same MOS. I took HRAP, he did not. At the time, there were 2 major units on Ft Hood: the 4th Infantry Division and the 1st Cavalry Division. Watt showed up at Ft Hood and was assigned to 4th ID. I showed up a couple weeks later and was told that 4th ID was all filled up, so I went to 1st Cav instead.

4th ID deployed to Iraq in 2003, 1st Cav didn’t deploy until 2004. Because units were basically on a “1 year deployed, 1 year back home, 1 year deployed, 1 year back home…” rhythm this meant I ended up getting stop-lossed instead of getting out of the Army in 2006 when my original 4 year enlistment was up. While I was extended, I was selected to receive retraining on newer, modern equipment instead of the old crap designed to fight the Soviets I was originally trained on. This new training, and some contacts I made while on my second deployment, led to me getting a job with a defense contractor doing the exact same thing after I eventually got out. That job was overseas, where I happened to meet my future wife. And even though I’m in a slightly different field of work now, I can still draw a straight line between getting that experience and contacts and how I ended up where I am now.

The alternative, if I hadn’t taken 2 weeks vacation in 2003, is that I most likely would have gotten out of the Army as scheduled in 2006 but without any training that was directly applicable to a civilian job and without the networking contacts to land an overseas contractor gig.

Since 2020 i lost track of time

In 2013 I left a very toxic, abusive relationship (physically, emotionally, sexually).

I’m healthy now but its been a long journey to get here. I have definitely changed as have my life. Its a big milestone that I rarely have to think about now as its been so long. But the lingering effects of trauma went on for years before I considered myself “recovered”

Covid